Parental Decision Making:
This week was National Carers week – and we forget that as parents that includes us!
One of the hardest aspects of parenting/caring is protecting them but also educating them on the big world we live in and letting your little person (whatever age they are) develop language and skills to express their views, even if they differs from ours and guide them to deal with big issues and emotions.
The world we live in has over the last 12 months given us BREXIT, a pandemic, the George Floyd incident, the Australian bush fires and many more. Whatever age our children we cannot close their ears and eyes to all that is happening around them. It is our responsibility to start the conversations to teach children to be inclusive citizens with compassion and empathy for others, whilst the strength to follow their own path.
What do we mean by INCLUSIVE?
- There are so many definitions, but everyone of us finds ourselves in a unique situation in this COVID-19 situation, whether that is due to being a keyworker, financial implications, social isolation, our own family set-ups. None of us are living the same as anyone else.
We need to focus on teaching our children what they need to be INCLUSIVE citizens, and sometimes as a parent, we need reminding too.
- I – information
- N – nurturing
- C – compassion
- L – language
- U – understanding
- S – skills
- I – individuality
- V – voice
- E – emotional literacy
This isn’t just about the big things and how they are when they are allowed back into social mixing groups, this is equally about how they respond at home, with their siblings, with us as parents, with their wider extended family. The skills our children learn, come from a greater range of influences the older they get (based on social learning theory), but as parents we still have influence on our children even into late teens, even if doesn’t feel that way!
“It’s been hard to put into words all the different emotions and thoughts we’ve been having recently. It has been overwhelming and emotionally exhausting. It’s been hard to sleep and the things to keep us awake or wake us up are plentiful.”
How do we support the children in our lives?
There are many different aspects for children to learn – socially, emotionally and academically. This means that we need to support our children with empathy, managing feelings, motivation, self-awareness and social skills. As well as communication, creative thinking, enquiry, evaluation, information processing, problem-solving and reasoning. All this in addition to them learning academically. We know that for children, and to a lesser degree adults, learn academically when we are socially and emotionally well.
What can I do as parent/carer?
- I – information
- Whether we have little ones, or big ones, all children have a thirst for learning. I know that sounds far fetched -as if you have been having a battle over home-schooling you might disagree. Most learning takes place when our children are engaged in the subject matter, if they can see a purpose and are interested/engaged then learning takes place. Our role is to give them as much information as possible in a lot of different formats and examples – i.e. naming their emotions – “it looks like you are frustrated” or praising them when they take turns, solve problems etc. There is no one way to do things, information unlocks a world of possibilities.
- N – nurturing
- Children need love and nurturing, whether they make the right choices, or the wrong ones. It is cute and intriguing when you see little ones learning for the first time, and not getting it right, we hug them tight, and congratulate them for trying. Do we do that when they do that at 15! They are still not adults, and they are still learning, and they still need us to give them a cuddle (or at least in our words and actions).
- C – compassion
- Walk the Talk –Children may listen to your words, but more importantly, they learn from observing your actions. When you have a chance to practice a random act of compassion, do so! First-hand experience of compassion is even more impactful. When your child is hurt or sick, be sure to provide abundant TLCC (tender, loving, compassionate care.) Rather than “why did you do that”, or “oh great another sleepless night coming up”.
- L – language
- Language is not just about what we say, but it is how we use our bodies and non-verbal communication to convey our thoughts and feelings. Supporting your child’s ability to communicate, and express and understand feelings, is also about supporting thinking and problem-solving, and developing and maintaining relationships. Learning to understand, use and enjoy language is the critical first step in literacy, and the basis for learning to read and write. Allow them whatever their age to use their language and over time and many years, add to their vocabulary so that they can express how they feel.
- U – understanding
- This is often described as empathy. Empathy is when you put yourself in the place of others and can feel for what they’re going through. It’s a complex emotion, so it takes years to learn. However, some children may start to understand more about others’ thoughts and feelings between 18 months and 24 months. After this age, you can gradually teach your child to be more aware of others’ feelings in everyday life. However, don’t expect too much from her at first. It’ll be a slow and gradual journey for your child to understand that other people have feelings, and that their feelings count. Even up to late teens empathy is a complex emotion depending on the circumstances they find themselves in, don’t chastise them for not being empathetic in every situation, that is when we must model understanding and really listen to them.
- S – skills
- Skills are taught not just once but repeated and through observational learning (through role models), practised and honed. For example, listening skills and the attention span of a 3-year old may be only minutes, whereas of an 8-year old on a subject they are engrossed with could be hours, or something that is unimportant to them, seconds. As an adult, our skills are still being practised, and we still don’t get it right all of the time, so don’t expect your children to.
- I – individuality
- As a parent, sometimes we want our children to be just like us. While it’s never a problem to share with your child your beliefs and values, it’s also important to teach children how to be an individual. Your little learner is a child today, but is tomorrow’s citizen, voter, and game-changer. Why not teach them when they’re young to celebrate their individuality? This is all about their identity – whether it is what they wear, what they listen to, their likes and dislikes. Challenge your child to find what makes them tick. Encourage them to explore different subjects and topics, and don’t disallow something just because you might not be interested in it. Once you find where your child’s interests lie, give them the opportunity to learn more, exploring their favourite topics with different experiences.
- V – voice
- From the moment children are born, they make it pretty clear they have a voice and wish to use it. And the best place for them to find and develop that voice is, you guessed it, at home. As a parent, you are your child’s most important advocate until they are old enough and cultured enough to speak up for themselves. That means we have to spend time with them, listen to them, understand them and then support them as they grow and develop to use their voice, in person, or in written form eloquently and with language that is kind, empathetic but also conveys their feelings. As teenagers their words are often lost by the emotion in their voice, which we criticise, which in turn closes their voice down. In their years of childhood, skills such as tone, and appropriate times to discuss things are learnt, don’t stop them because they haven’t acquired them yet, praise them for speaking up.
- E – emotional literacy
- There are five main aspects of emotional intelligence which, when developed, lead to children becoming emotionally literate. These are identified by Daniel Goleman in his fascinating book, ‘Emotional Intelligence’.
- Knowing emotions. A child recognises a feeling as it happens.
- Managing emotions.A child has ways of reassuring themselves when they feel anxious or upset.
- Self-Motivation. A child is in charge of their emotions, rather than controlled by them.
- A child is aware of what another person is feeling.
- Handling relationships.A child is able to build relationships with others.
- We can help our children, by labelling emotions, naming them as they display them, validating them by saying it is Ok to have ALL emotions, helping children with strategies to calm down and supporting with their relationships with us, their siblings, friends, and then the wider world.
All of these don’t happen in isolation, nor does this happen overnight. But whether you have a child that doesn’t like talking, or is having temper tantrums, or a teenager that struggles to communicate their feelings. It is NEVER too late to start. As adults we continue to learn.
Our biggest tool to INCLUSIVE children today, tomorrow and in the future, is KEEP TALKING, BE THERE, LET THEM TALK TO A RANGE OF PEOPLE WHO CAN HELP (friends, family, professionals), DON’T TRY TO BE PERFECT – and NEVER STOP LEARNING!
If you have any ideas to share or want to keep up to date with the latest workshops/courses/or support then visit our Facebook group:
https://www.facebook.com/groups/552150055488898/
To book on these or any of the workshops/courses we have on offer then click the link: https://aclessex.com/community-family-learning-online/.
Please feel free to share with any resident of Essex.